04 December 2009

Some Random Observations

bits and pieces, hither and yon


"Some people say I cannot sing-but no one can say I DIDN'T sing."


-Florence Foster Jenkins, 19th/20th century eccentric: a relentlessly untalented vocalist, she used her inherited fortune to finance a vaudeville career that lasted 10 years on the strength of audiences being flabberghasted by her sheer awfulness.Good for you,Flo!

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I was browsing old obits in the Times website, and came upon this mysterious yet true quote about legendary gangster Al Capone, the original "Scarface":
..."Head of the cruelest cutthroats in American history, he inspired gang wars in which more than 300 men died by the knife, the shotgun, the tommy gun and the pineapple."


Did I miss something here? The PINEAPPLE???
"Frisk him, Al. See if he's packin' pineapple."
"No, boss. Nothing but some loquats in syrup."

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Paradox Poem


When it began,
I wanted you to be who you are;
When it ended,
I wanted you to be who you were.
(pl)

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Observations:

The only time someone you have loved and lost in the past will contact you, is exactly 24 hours after you realize you might actually, really be over them.

The ride BACK in the taxi is always significantly less money than the ride TO. Physics has not adequately explained this. Nor has Science explained the other great Truth of Taxis: When you are late, and walking to the corner to flag one down, three available cabs will go by, just a bit too far away to hail.
When you get to the corner, there will be no cab. Not now, not soon....maybe not ever again.

The grass actually IS greener on the other side of the fence. Greener, lusher, nicer. It is the actual ACT of crossing the fence that-mysteriously--makes the grass wither and die.

In NYC, it has rained on St. Patrick's Day every year, without exception.No one knows why.


The amount of time it takes to lose your gloves is in exact inverse proportion to the amount of money you paid for them. $5 gloves will stay with you your entire adult life: $150 gloves will separate themselves and one willvanish, by the end of the same afternoon you purchased them.
$1 gloves will actually GET UP AND FOLLOW YOU if you leave them somewhere.
It would be interesting to see if gloves that cost, say, $1,000,000.00 would actually disappear one week before purchase.


Your mom was right: if you ignore a guy, he will get more interested. "Hard to get" actually works. "Impossible to get" only works with men who are a little nuts, and is therefore not recommended.


I stayed up till 2 am reading  "Eccentrics", a new book by a psychologist from Edinburgh. Here's how Davy Crockett was described by a nurse at the Alamo : "he had the strangest manner i ever saw: his face was exactly like a woman's, and his manner more like a girl's than any girl...I never saw him as a hero till the last day, when he faced down a whole line of mexicans, shouting like madman and braver than a bear..."
Who'd a thunk it? Davy Crockett gay???? -Well, having grown up in Greenwich Village, I am not surprised that a man known for wearing buckskin chaps and a fur hat, might turn out to be homosexual. 


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And,finally, a Flashback: two years ago today....


Back when I was doing many gigs, I had my own sound system. It got swiped. I needed a new one. So,this morning, I was at Sam Ash Music Store, looking for a sound system and a mike. Vito, who was about twenty--or maybe eleven--was helping me. 
"This one's good", he said hopefully. "This one" was a godawful Yamaha piece of crap with big, candy colored pastel flat dials that looked like the buttons off a Japanese Anime Porn Schoolgirl's blouse.
"Vito" I said gently. "I don't do pastels.Do you have anything that actual musicians use?"
I finally found something good, solid, portable and workmanlike.-In a sound system,that is. 
Got a great mic, too. So I was paying for them, and I said "I have my ASCAP card here somewhere. You guys still do the 10% discount, right?"
Vito looked worried. "Um, no."
I sighed. "Okay." I though for a moment. I was wearing a plunging halter dress and pushup bra, to festive effect. In fact, Vito had not addressed one single remark to my actual face, if you know what I'm saying here. Suddenly, a lightbulb went on in my head.
"Vito! Can I get a Cleavage Discount?"
To say Vito looked a little stunned, would be an understatement. He looked like I'd just slapped him with a live Rhode Island Red.*
"Uh...wuhhh?" he managed?
" A Cleavage Discount! Look, I'm wearing a fabulous dress, it's a horrible rainy day, and I'm brightening up the store considerably! Don't you think i deserve it? I'm so cute! Someone should give me SOMETHING!!" I smiled convincingly at him.
Vito was now bright, bright red. "Um, I have to ask my amanager", he mumbled, and sped off.
A minute later, the manager, Bobby, came back with young Mr V.
"Did you actually say what Vito said you did?" He was grinning.
"Absolutely! I would like a Cleavage Discount, please." I smiled demurely.
He roared with laughter. "Absolutely! Ten percent okay?"
"Sure!"
He pulled up a stool next to me, as Vito was ringing up the sale. "You married?"
"Separated. And still pining a bit."
"He's a fool!"
I smiled sweetly. "I think so."
The next 20 minutes was a delicate tango of having a great time while not giving my number out. And I managed it! Itwas great fun.
And I saved $82 dollars!
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Thank you, and goodnight.
love per






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