21 March 2012
I make the best chicken soup ever in the history of the Universe, and I'm modest about it, too. The problem is, I can't let anyone know what's in it. But you're you, so I can tell you: the secret ingredient is...Chicken feet.
No, really. I go down to Chinatown, and find a store that sells chicken feet. They're easy to locate, as there is usually a crowd of chickens in wheelchairs, picketing the place. I buy a passel (along with the two chickens it takes to make the soup properly), go home, and fire up the oven.
The first time i did this, i was still married. I was cooking away, and had tossed the footsies in the pot, and did something else for a while...then turned back . And then screamed. The feet had come together in pairs [no cracks, please], and were doing an amazing simulacrum of the "Praying Hands" trope, so beloved by cheesy sculptors everywhere. Truly, it was one of the most appalling sights ever. So i did what any normal, 29 year old woman would do...I raced into the hall and crouched there in sheer, abject terror.
My husband came home. "Ha ha, little lady," he said, or would have said if he talked like that, which he didn't or else i wouldn't have married him. "What seems to be the problem here?"
I gestured in a frantic way reminiscent of the early Zasu Pitts, towards the closed kitchen door. "Feet," I said. "Praying. -Scared."
He gave me an odd look, and marched in a manly manner, into the kitchen, where i heard a loud girly scream, and he came rocketing out to join me in terrified crouch position.
"NOW what?", he asked. We clutched each other, and whimpered, and waited for The End To Come.
Finally, we closed our eyes, inched back into the kitchen, and managed to turn the stove off. Eventually all was fixed, the feet were retrieved and buried in a special graveyard, and dinner went on. I made matzo balls with seltzer water-the secret o' fluffiness- and life went on, but I had to go get Audited by a crack team of Chicken Scientologists, before i could look at a spoon again without screaming.
And now, off to teach class...