29 December 2011

Realistic New Year's Resolutions. And by "realistic", we mean, "Not realistic at all"

New Year's Resolutions 2012

1) I will not be 5'2".

2) I will not be Norwegian. -Voluntarily.

3) I will not do drugs. -Unless, of course, I can get them. *

3a) I will smoke more, gain that last ten pounds, and resist the temptation to go to the gym instead of napping.

4) I will forgive myself everyday. So I can do the same annoying thing again, only this time with "awareness", which apparently makes it okay.

    [note:   Addendum to people who say, "I KNOW I'm talking too much about myself," and then keep talking about themselves: 

"You're right. Shut up. Ask me how I am. Great! Thanks!]

5) I will remember that all food has calories. Unless it's eaten standing up, or someone else is paying. Or it's after midnight, or it's your birthday, or Arbor Day, or possibly even Wednesday. -Whoa. Apparently, NO food has calories, then! Am PSYCHED!!!

6) I will not tell people I'm a vegetarian when what I mean is, "I eat vegetarians." .But, I mean, cows are practically VEGANS, right, man? So maybe being a vegan is, like, catching.

7) I will stop getting impatient with friends when they ask questions** like:

"But WHY did he do this? WHY? I just need to understand!"

Here's what I will say instead, with love and hardly any impatience at all:

"No. You don't need to understand. You need to get the fuck over it and move on.

"Perhaps, in the fullness of time, you will find out every single detail of why he or she, did this,or that.

"But the good news is, that by then, you won't give a shit. I promise."

Addendum: I will stop being impatient with people who expect any other human beings, to "be reasonable", to "make sense", or to NOT destroy his/her/their lives, by falling in love with him/her/them, at the wrong time in the wrong way. -And, sometimes, backwards.

Here's the thing:

People are crazy. We ALL are. And, people are also delightful, kind, funny and amazing.

-When they're not being fucking NUTS.

8) I will remember that "on sale" does NOT mean, "Yes!! This is FREE!".

9) I will return calls and emails within a day of receiving them.

Well. Maybe not a "day", exactly. Maybe a week. 

Ten days?

How does "eventually" work for you? Or, "eventually, maybe."?  -Gotta start slow.

10) I will live in the moment. I just have to figure out which one.

11) Anytime I feel like whining about something in my incredibly lucky life, I will go read about, say, life under Pol Pot's regime. Then I will shut up and be just insanely grateful, all the time, for everything.

12) I will do more volunteer work.-I mean, if the pay is right.

12a) I will continue to be open to what life teaches me and what the Universe is telling me. Even-okay, maybe especially-when it's not what I thought I knew...or not MY plan. Grrrrr. I will expand my thinking and spiritual life every day, not contact into what I already know.- This will still involve coffee. -Truckloads.

14) I will remember that every day I wake up, is a good day right there. (Trust me on this one, okay?)

15.) In 2012? To sum up? Will meet MORE amazing people, eat great food, stay in touch, be radically loving  (well, "radically loving" that hopefully stops short of "restraining order'); will listen; and get a shitload of plastic surgery. [Okay. Not that one. Just wanted to see if you were still listening.}

Will continue to lie about having read Proust, and ...and...Okay. Never be late again.

YOU, my dear, are going to have your best year yet. Your 2012 will be filled with friendship,

love, great food, health, massive amounts of plastic surgery, and, if you ask nicely, drugs. - No. Wait. Sorry. Those last bits were, um, typos. But everything else?


Love you. No, really. And Happy New Year!!

* Note: Despite what my sister-in-law insists on telling people, including random strangers and the clerk at Duane Reade, I do not do drugs. Nope- not ever! Some people are just naturally odd. true!

** Friends who are asking these questions usually ask them about 14,640 times, in the first months after a break up. Try not to hit them. instead, encourage them to drink more, especially if they're buying.

Oh, and if you're not me, ask them to get you drugs! ***

*** Oh for Heaven's sake. Just kidding!