13 March 2010

How To Kill Your Friends

If you truly love your friends, gather them together, ask them to get their affairs in order, and make them the fried chicken I made last night, which, after being soaked in buttermilk for 24 hours, was then fried in a mixture of lard, butter, and bacon. Listen to them moan in appreciation of how delicious it is, and then watch as, one by one, their cholestrol goes through the roof, their arteries clang shut and they topple backwards out of their chairs. Then pile them in a corner and finish their desserts for them. They won't need dessert where they are now.

As the banks topple and the economy goes into a nosedive, it's good to start entertaining at home. It's also good to start economizing in other ways. You can make a lovely evening dress out of Bounty and duct tape, and a pair of spraypainted shoeboxes make lovely dress shoes, sure to be a conversation starter in any situation.There are also simple ways t make extra money in any situation. When dining in a fine restaurant, bring a large waterbug with you, and at an opportune moment, slip it into the foie gras. You will certainly enoy a free meal. Be sure and take the cutlery with you when you go: restaurants love the free advertising that comes when you use their monogrammed silver to entertain your own guests. Also, I find, when hobnobbing with rich people, a good thing to do is to ask them how much money they have, and then ask for some. They love that. You can also keep up appearances in many small, easy ways: a chandelier perks up any small cardboard dwelling, and when cooking for guests, there are many delicious casseroles that can be whipped up in a minute using Little Friskies canned food as a delicious and economical base. A quaint 18th century French custom saves on water: rather than washing, use copious amounts of perfume, and if someone complains, you can denounce them as decadent aristocrats and have them beheaded. Economizing! It's easy and fun!

I hope you enjoy these helpful hints, because I could use new friends, now that the last ones I had are now piled like cordwood in a corner of my cozy one-bedroom apartment. 

Chicken, anyone?

Peri, who might need to adjust her meds.